The Show Must Go On
by Professor Meshka
Summary: Discontinued until further notice. Dr Spencer Reid survived days of torture at the hands of a group of torture enthusiasts called The Torture Teachers. But is he glad he came back? What has he come back to? And who has he come back as? Lots of angsty!Reid sequel to The Torture Teachers.
1. Comeback

_Dr Spencer Reid survived days of torture at the hands of a group of torture enthusiasts called The Torture Teachers. But is he glad he came back? What has he come back to? And who has he come back as? Lots of angsty!Reid sequel to The Torture Teachers._

_**WARNING**: Reid will be very out of character in this fic but that's intentional, he's been through a trauma and has been changed by it. I have an anxiety disorder myself and so I'm drawing from my own personal experiences. Apologies to those who have different ones but that's what makes humans so exquisite, right?_

_**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters or ideas. I created this storyline with four original characters but do not own the rights to the show or its characters. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

><p>Tick, tock, tick, tock.<p>

Dr Spencer Reid lies in bed and stares at the hands of the clock on his nightstand as the seconds tick by. He can't sleep, but then again, he can never sleep. Not since...Well, he tries not to think about it.

He sits up, ruffling his short, brown, wavy hair and rubbing his tired eyes. The sounds of the clock echo so loud in his ears that he stands up and heads out to the kitchen. The young man stands in the kitchen of his small apartment and makes himself a cup of coffee with no sugar. He never wants the sugar anymore, it doesn't taste nice anymore. Nothing did.

Reid sits on the couch and drinks his coffee, watching the clock on the wall.

Tick, tock, tick, Chime!

The clock strikes 6 and Reid stands, pouring the remains of his coffee down the drain before he goes to get dressed for the day.

He doesn't take the subway anymore. He bought himself a car not long after he was released from hospital and allowed back home without his therapists or home-help that were assigned to him. He used the subway on his first day back to work; he didn't make it to the office. The crowds, the violence, the men in suits with scars and darkness in their eyes sent him into a blind panic and he began to hyperventilate before the train even left the station.

He has a fear of crowds now. He doesn't know why, he figures it's just because he's traumatised and crowds are quite energetic.

He drives his old blue Dodge to Quantico and heads into the office. Some things don't change; Reid walks swiftly into the bullpen of the BAU, sets his messenger bag down at his desk, rests his coat on his chair and makes himself a coffee, though again, he doesn't add any sugar. He looks behind him to see SSA Aaron Hotchner sitting at his desk. Hotch spots Reid and smiles, giving the young man a wave but Reid just looks away. Everyone treats him like a crazy person; smiling politely, waving sweetly, talking gently. They treat him like a hand grenade, so careful in case he goes off.

Well he won't, Reid knows he won't. He's fine, totally fine.

"Morning Reid." Emily Prentiss arrives, heading straight for Reid. "How you doin'?"

"Good." Reid answers, not looking up as he stirred his coffee.

"Good." Emily nods with a plastered on smile.

Reid wishes she'd leave. He loves Emily, he loves all his teammates, but he wishes they'd leave him alone. They always pussy-foot around him, always nice to him, never saying anything that may upset him.

Reid was grateful at first. It was hard, seeing the crime scene photos, seeing dead bodies just like his could have been if his friends hadn't got to him when they did.

Emily slowly leaves, going to her desk to put her bag down and take her coat off and Reid is glad.

Morgan is next to arrive and Reid rolls his eyes. "Hey Reid." Derek approaches him.

"Hey." Reid replies, not looking at Derek as the young doctor makes his way to his desk. Derek follows him.

"How was your weekend?" Derek leans on the wall of the office cubicle as Reid turns on his computer.

"Uneventful, yours?" Reid answers.

"Pretty good." Derek nods, unsure whether Reid generally cares how his weekend was or if he was just saying what he thought Derek wants to hear.

Reid nods and just watches the blank screen as his computer warms up.

Derek's furrows his brows and heads over to Prentiss' desk.

"There's somethin' up with Reid." Derek says quietly to her.

"Of course there is." Emily swats Derek on the chest. "The poor guy's been through Hell, give him a break."

Reid can hear everything. He is seething in anger as he grips the mouse of his computer to contain it.

He's fine. Sure he can't sleep, and has a little difficulty with crowds but they don't need to treat him like a living minefield. It's been 6 months since his ordeal, he's had time to heal and was on his way back to being his old self

He's been through Hell? What was Emily talking about? Think about other people, way worse things happen. People lose limbs, lose loved ones, and some don't make it through the hard times. Reid was one of the lucky ones, what about the others, the victims who didn't make it, who were killed by those unsubs.

Of course they aren't unsubs anymore. Reid knows their names;

Frank Jorgen - The guy who first kidnapped Reid, pretended he was a witness to the dumping of a body and assembled his 'friends' to take him.

Location - George Washington University hospital morgue

Thomas Kelly - The muscles of the operation.

Location - George Washington University hospital morgue

James Powell- The leader, the man who smiled at Reid as he plunged a sharp blade into his flesh, laughed as the blood poured out of him and felt oblivious to 4 bullets pumping into him as he lunged for Reid in one last desperate attempt to kill.

Location - Death Row.


	2. Panic

_**WARNING**: Reid will be very out of character in this fic but that's intentional, he's been through a trauma and has been changed by it. I have an anxiety disorder myself and so I'm drawing from my own personal experiences. Apologies to those who have different ones but that's what makes humans so exquisite, right?_

_**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters or ideas. I created this storyline with four original characters but do not own the rights to the show or its characters. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

><p>"Three women were abducted from their homes in Boise, Idaho over the past two weeks. They are all being held captive by the unsub and ransom orders are being given to the local PD via satellite feed." JJ tells her team, showing the pictures of the missing women, the crime scenes and screenshots of the ransom videos to them on the board behind her.<p>

Reid can't help but think of his own captivity, Hell, that's all Reid thinks about now.

He suffers through the flashbacks, they are almost constant whenever he's at work. He remembers Claire and how glad he was that he managed to get her out before it was too late. But then he remembers what they did to her, what they did to him, and how happy it made them. Reid starts to feel sick.

"Reid?" Hotch's voice breaks through his thoughts and Reid jumps.

"Yeah?" He looks at his boss.

"Are you alright?" Hotch raises a brow.

"Oh, yeah." Reid nodds, sitting up straighter. "Just thinking."

* * *

><p>After the briefing they all headed to get their bags for the jet.<p>

"Dr. Reid?" A familiar voice appears behind Reid. The young man turns to see someone he didn't expect. It's that feeling when someone from another part of your life crosses into somewhere else, like a work buddy in your house, or a doctor in your kitchen.

"Claire?" Reid's eyes widen a little.

Claire smiles. She's pretty, Reid realises, now that her hair was clean and brushed and her face is fresh and not blood stained.

"I thought it'd be nice if we met under safer circumstances, after all, you did save my life." Claire giggles bashfully.

"Yeah, um hi." Reid answers awkwardly.

"So...I'm Claire." She holds out a hand. "Nice to meet you Dr. Reid."

"Oh, um...call me Spencer." Reid smiles a little and shakes her hand.

"Oh, hi Spencer." Claire blushes a little at the first name basis and takes her hand away softly.

There is a pause as the two stand, not knowing what is to be said between each other.

"Well, I guess you've gotta go." Claire gestures to his overnight bag.

"Yeah, I uh, I've got a case."

"You've got straight back on the horse I see?" Claire's brows furrow gently in concern.

"What...do you mean?" Reid frowns.

"Nothing." Claire smiles and looks down. "I'll...see you later?"

"Uh, sure."

"Here." Claire passes him a small note.

"What's this?" Reid takes it from her.

"My number...in case you ever need to talk." Claire sends him a warm smile and walks away.

Reid watches her leave, getting small butterflies in his stomach as he looks at the pink, curly handwriting on the small piece of paper in his hand.

"Ready to go?" Derek approaches and looks at Reid.

"Uh, yeah." Reid stuffs the note into his pocket and picks up his bag, following Derek.

* * *

><p>On the jet Reid doesn't really listen to the conversation. For once the team let him stare out the window, for which he is slightly grateful for.<p>

Though he knows full well he should never be left alone to think for too long. Flashbacks, regrets and dreams run through his mind.

Would it have been better not to have made it through? What did he have to come back to anyway? A depressing job, a few friends from work and a crappy apartment that he lives in alone. It's not like anyone was desperate to have him back, his mom didn't know he was missing, and even if she did she wouldn't understand.

* * *

><p>The team walks into the local PD station and JJ introduces them all.<p>

"Jennifer Jareau, we spoke on the phone." JJ says as she shakes the chief's hand. "SSA Hotchner, Morgan, Rossi, Prentiss and Dr Reid." Reid doesn't wave, nor does he smile or even look in the chief's direction. He can't, his mind is far too occupied.

The team heads off to consult with the other cops and Reid follows, slow, confused and walking aimlessly behind them as his mind is racing with over-analysed thinking of the current case, his teammates, his past trauma and Claire. His mind is buzzing yet he doesn't suffer. The thoughts never really make it to the front of his brain. His face remains still and blank, his posture is lazy with his hands loosely slung in his pockets and his head is low as he watches the ground in front of him where he walks.

* * *

><p>Reid is able to think straight for a while. He listens to his team work and even inputs a few theories into the profile. He feels like his old self and can't help the corners of his mouth as they slid upwards into a weak smile.<p>

But the smile cannot last for long. Reid knows this, the fact looms in the back of his mind while he carelessly enjoys the normality he has been without for so long.

Then it hits.

Reid's therapists warned him of the possibility of panic attacks when he returns to work, and those warnings had now been turned into a diagnosis.

Fear shoots through his heart and rips around in his chest. His throat closes up and he can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

Morgan turns to Reid and sits forward in his chair.

"Reid, you okay?" He looks at his friend, his dark brows furrowing.

Reid swallows, a hard task as his throat is so tight, making it hard to even breathe. "Yeah, I'm fine." He lies, his voice weak and strained.

"You sure, you look a little _freaked_..."

Morgan's voice fades under the deafening sound of Reid's own heartbeat. A cold bead of sweat rolls swiftly down the side of his face as his chest swirls violently with fear, dread and pure panic.

"I have to go." Reid raps out before swiftly standing and fleeing from the room.


	3. Overwhelmed

_**WARNING:** A lot of angst in this chapter, very sad and depressing as Reid battles with his past._

_**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters or ideas. I created this storyline with four original characters but do not own the rights to the show or its characters. No copyright infringement intended._

* * *

><p>Reid hurries to the restroom and snaps the lock shut. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling hard at it in a reckless attempt to stop the panic. A deep, painful breath is drawn in, burning Reid's lungs as he slams his back into the wall. He looks up at the dingy ceiling and the dull light and grinds his teeth together to supress a frustrated scream. The shriek, rips through Reid's throat and he doubles over, grabbing his head to his knees as he crouches down, sliding his back down until he's sitting on the floor.<p>

He can't do it, he can't keep going.

He's been broken.

They've won.

He lies on his side, pulling his knees up as he closes his eyes and lets a painful sob break through. Then another, and another until he can't help but cry.

And there he is, laying on the dirty floor of a restroom, crying alone in his own painful memories.

He starts to wish he was back with the Torture Teachers. At least that pain was physical. He could handle it by gritting his teeth and pretending that it didn't hurt. But this, he doesn't know how to handle this sort of pain. Because it's not pain, it's just pure suffering.

Time feels suspended. He lays there for eternity, constantly urging himself to get up but never managing to pull himself vertical.

* * *

><p>"Hotch." Morgan approaches his superior. "We gotta talk about Reid."<p>

"What about him?" Hotch replies, a dark eyebrow arching in suspicion.

"He's not copin' well. At all, I don't think he's ready to be in the field."

"Yes, I've noticed he's having difficulties." Hotch sighs, looking down.

"He's freakin' out." Morgan shakes his head, wishing he could help his friend.

"Where is he? Perhaps I should talk to him."

"I...Actually, I don't know." Morgan frowns, suddenly realising the absence of Reid.

"Well, where did you last see him?" Hotch's expression turns serious.

"In the conference room, he started freakin' out and then he left, I assumed he was just gettin' some air."

"Find him." Hotch says quickly before heading off to search for the young man.

Morgan nods, immediately turning and setting off frantically to find his friend, before he does something stupid.

* * *

><p>Reid contemplates suicide. Many people do when they feel like he does. He wonders whether he could do it or not. Not whether it is possible, his brilliant mind has already discovered 6 ways he could do it in the restroom alone. But whether he could take his own life, be his own murderer. The Torture Teachers couldn't do it. He was stronger than them, they couldn't take his life, couldn't kill him.<p>

For a moment he feels proud.

Then the panic returns. He pulls himself to his feet, determined to beat this wave of anxiety. He paces the small restroom, thinking of anything that would take his mind off things.

And failing to distract himself.

He sighs and leans his back on the wall, shoving his hands in his pockets and closing his eyes. Then something causes him to frown. A piece of paper in his pocket. He pulls it out and casts his eyes upon it.

A phone number and a name.

Reid smiles weakly, his anxiety gone for a moment.

He pulls his cell phone ut of his pocket and dials the number, biting his lip as he holds the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" A sweet, elegant voice rings on the other end.

"Um, h-hi this is uh, Spencer?" Reid curses his awkwardness as he talks

"Spencer? Hi!" Claire grins into the phone. Reid replies with a small, weak greeting.

"What's up?" Claire progresses the conversation

"Um... Not a lot, just...checking that the number works...It does, so..."

"Yeah, it does." Claire giggles, setting butterflies loose in Reid's stomach.

There was an awkward pause as Reid couldn't think what to say.

"So, do you... wanna get some...coffee, sometime?" Claire asked.

"Uh, yeah! Yeah, that'd be great!" Reid grins madly.

"Great, um, when do you get back?"

"Well, I'm still on a case and I dunno how long it's gonna take." Reid frowns.

"That's okay; just call me when you're back in Virginia."

"Okay."

"Bye Spencer." Claire says sweetly.

"Bye."

Reid's smile lingers after Claire hangs up. He puts his cell phone away then realises he must have been in the rest room for hours and hurries out.

* * *

><p>"Reid!" Morgan hurries towards his friend.<p>

"Hey." Reid gives Morgan a casual nod, before noticing his serious expression.

"Where the Hell have you been?"

"I um...Just needed some air." Reid tells him, looking away awkwardly.

"You've been gone for an hour." Morgan arches a thick brow.

"Yeah...sorry." Reid nods sheepishly.

"Listen, Hotch and I were thinking..." Reid frowns wondering what the two of them were plotting. "Maybe you should, go back home and...take a little more time off."

"What?" Reid's expression was like Hell. Anger, frustration, betrayal.

"I just don't want you to push yourself, to do too much, too soon." Morgan furrowed his brows.

"I'm fine!" Reid protests.

"Reid, you're not fine."

"Yes. I am!"

"Where have you been for the last hour?"

"I...was, getting some air." He lies.

"Why?" Reid doesn't have an answer. "Because you're not coping well." Morgan answers for him

"I'm _fine_." The word 'fine' comes out quieter than Reid intends it to.

"Listen, Reid." Morgan takes a step toward Reid but the younger man instinctively jerks back. He's had a little problem with personal space since his trauma. "We all care about you, we want what's best for you. I think you're just not ready yet." Morgan tries to reason with his friend and expresses his thoughts.

Reid glares at Morgan for a moment.

"Fine." Reid breathes out, storming away from Morgan and grabbing his bag.

"Reid?" Morgan follows.

"I'm going. I'm doing what you want." Reid raps out as he passes Morgan on his way to the front door.

"Reid wait!" Morgan calls out but Reid doesn't hear, or rather he doesn't _want _to hear. He carries on to the door and storms through it.

* * *

><p>A long taxi ride to the airport and a plane back to Virginia, Reid isn't angry anymore. He feels nothing. He doesn't know if that's normal, to be so angry that you don't know what you feel.<p> 


End file.
